nothing like it..

so I have gone missing eh?? hahaha maybe it has to do with falling off the bandwagon myself...

I just cant seem to keep the working out up or even the dieting, lately i have been eating everything and anything

I want to lose the weight I do!! But I just cant get the get-up-and-go to do it!!

Well, back on track.. tomorrow morning I will be back on track!!

Awesome!

taking care of me..

i realize today that its not just about losing weight...its about taking care of me..

its about taking care of my appearance...my skin, my teeth, my cracked feet...all these have a role to lay in my weight loss journey...when you dont feel good about how you look... then its that much easier to reach for that muffin....cookie...or whatever..

so today, i started to take care of me....the whole me... I will spend the next year just taking care of me....blow drying my hair, taking care of my nails, getting manicures, WAXING on time before the gorilla effect takes affect...hahaha..

i washed my face at night, brushed my teeth, flossed, and used the one min manicure thing....I just loved it...it felt great to take ten mins out of my day and take care of me....

Will i keep it up?? Who knows..but I definately realize that its about th whole me...not just the physical me... I think before its been so easy for me to give up on myself....gain a little weight, forget my hair, my make up, anything.....its not the rigt thing to do...

Hating myself...but cant stopp...

why is that? As i eat I know I will hate myself for this but I do it anyways...just keep eating...its awful...I hate that I do that to myself...its the worst thing

Today, I went to starbucks had a chai tea ( no fat/no foam) but then i managed to order a lemon poppyseed loaf!!! ARGH!!! It just tasted so good, I was in heaven.... but every bite told me I would pay for it later...

and thats the thing..I wish I could stop before i did that... because I know I will feel bad or will just feel over stuffed afterwards and yet i cant stop it...

I feel like if I dont eat it then and there i might never get the chance again....not sure what that is about... but its there in my mind.... I guess from all the time with others telling me what to eat or NOT eat..and having this feling that everyone is watching every bite that goes into my mouth..that I have developed this awful habit of hiding and eating...blah blah blah....

I have to face that.... heres what I do...

I will sneak off alone and go to a coffee shop, order a coffee and a snack...which I will inhale so no one can see me eating it...even myself..... or I will grab a burger on my walk homea nd again inhale it...

like if I dont acknowledge the actual eating it wont count, if no one sees it doesnt count....

Feeling sick today!

21 days

thats how long it takes to make something a habit...thats all I have to do...mkae it 21 days with going to the gym and then it will be habit...right??God i hope so!! because I hate the mental fight I have with myself everyday as I get close to the gym...its just like should I go or should I just go home...put my feet up on the couch and relaxxxxxxxxxxxxxx...and then the station approachs where I have to get off for the gym...and the doors open and alwyas right at the last moment, I jump out...so far that is..

im scared about that first day when I slip and let it go....im scared that day will become two, then three, then four....uff


its been 6 days of working out, and believe me Im struggling and aching in places i didnt know existed...hahahaha...21 days...21 days...21 days...i can do this... I can so do this!!! this time I am not going to give up.... not at all...I have given up everytime, each day, so quickly I just let it all go away.. and gain another 5 pds...lose 2 pds gain 5 pds... no good, not anymore..

Today at the gym, I actually liked how I looked in the mirror, I loved the sweat pouring down my face, my shirt sticking to my back, my breathe barely coming, as i stepped, stepped, stepped my way to a skinny me...

but then of course i came home, and had to shovel a piece of choc cake into my mouth really fast....argh!!!

but inshallah!!! ill get there....

this is not easy

Why cant it just be, I go to sleep and wake up my ideal weight! ARGH!!

but u know what...no matter what I have gone to the gym everyday this week so far...I havent cheated or skipped.... i have gone... and I am proud of me for that....

What I realize is....it takes time to make a habit..i jsut have to continue to get my butt to the gym....once im there...I do something which is always better then nothing...so thats my goal for the next while...to go each day...

I have decided to work out 5 days a week and take two break days...you have to relax at some point and you cant be unrealistic in what you expect from your body...

The crunching

Ohhh I forgot to even mention the abs class that I was in today, it was tough!! so tough!! I could barely do the warm up..it was like ok and crunch and crunch and crunch...my abs were killing and she was like ok now we can start....

I tried to keep up...but I couldnt do it... but at least I got my abs worked out....the same lady does a step class right before this one and i think next week I will attempt to attend both because I liked her style of teaching so much..... she was friendly and not condescending at all.

i took a step class on sat and the guy was just so not focused on the beginners....but oh well...I wont let being intimidated scare me this time...

I have to find the skinny me....

And Crunch, and crunch and crunch

So today was day one, and it didnt go so well oh well...each day is a new day...

Today what did i eat that was wrong: two peices of toast with butter and swiss cheese for breakfast ( I KNOW BETTER THEN THAT!! but i did it anyways)

Lunch: i had this flat bread sandwich from Quizno's which I thought would be ok but it was white bread and just tasted fatty...blah i guess i have gotten used to eating whole grain products... and then there was this cheese on the sandwich.. which was also just gross...i felt like i was having a heart attack just sitting there eating the sandwich...

Worst part about it... i was full at the halfway mark of the sandwich but I ate the whole thing!! Its like Im scared to leave food behind....such a bad habit of mine....blah

Then, on the subway ride home I bought a rice krispie treat...but!! I only had half and then I forced myself to just leave it and throw it away! YEAH!! for the small victoriess..

I worked out for about an hr and 10 mins....and had 8 glasses of water... so I am happy about that...once I get the food in control things will be better as long as i keep the motivation to continue to work out..

here's to day one! its over and its done!!! YEAH!!! the journey at least has begun..